Okay. Most of you have read my collezione of corporate jargon, and from what I’ve heard over the last few months we see eye to eye on that. However, recently I’ve felt a new calling. “Share the pain!” it says.
Share the pain indeed.
So here you are, motherfuckers. This is how you sound to me.
Eckspecially; (especially): it’s like there’s a tripwire in the back of your throat your voice lunges over. I know fourth-year English majors who can’t stop talking like a four-year-old. Do you know how frustrating it is to hear a sentence like, “The Romantic period was affected more by the authors, eckspecially people like Byron or Shelley?” Makes me want to get up and say, “Wanna some sketty and me-balls to go with that, sweetums?” Ugh! Bastards.
Nucular; (nuclear): we all have family that will never get this one right. It’s practically an American tradition by now. Half of the people that read this are discovering for the first time that nuke-you-lar is not a word. Fine, friends, fine — just know that when it spills off your black tongue I’m nodding and smiling because I want to kick you in the teeth.
Pregnat; (pregnant): I can never tell if people who say this are simply too lazy to pronounce that tricky ‘n’ just at the end, or if they’re mentally retarded. I think I’m just gonna start truncating my words, too. You know, to fit in. I bet we could all talk faster. “My favert book is Hare Pot, but I like Da Vee Code, too. Oh em gee, are you pregnat?” You are? What a shame.
Imparticular; (in particular): it takes real idiot skills to amalgamate two separate words and shit out a contraction that doesn’t exist. I wonder if these walking vegetables ever get confused when they read the word “impart” and think the “icular” is wandering around looking for its head. Words like imparticular have an added bonus — girls that say this (I never hear guys say it, don’t know why) think they’re being real intellectual saying it. I think it’s cause there’s five syllables in there. Go get ’em, tiger.
Tinks; (thanks): this one’s gender-specific to the girls, also. Ladies, the best thing about “Tinks!” is that it’s usually a precursor to you walking away. Meanwhile we lock up in idiot-shivers behind you, a spasm of the muscles in the upper body that morons like you will never need to worry about. Tinks!
Impor-int; (important): did you guys know I’m more than half deaf? When I hear impor-int, I have to wonder if I don’t hear that letter very well, or if California breeds carrots shaped like humans. Either way, I want you dead. It’s impor-int to me.
Supposably; (supposedly): if you haven’t heard this in the last 24 hrs, you haven’t left the house. Aliens conquered Earth in the Reagan era, and left behind an army of dopplegangers to rise up and eat our people while the E.T.s nest in the ocean and build their new star cruiser to attack the worm-people of Alpha Centauri. The only way to know these interlopers is by their inability to pronounce the word “supposedly.” True story! Shoot on sight.
Exackly; (exactly): much like “eckspecially,” this crowd-pleaser doesn’t draw much attention. It almost sounds okay, like you’re not sure if you heard the T or not, just like “impor-int” but far more surreptitious. The annoying factor about “exackly” is that people who say it say it a LOT, and this one’s unisexual, so it can feasibly come from several directions at once. It’s an idiot orgy.
Seen; (Sean): look, phonics professor — my name is fucking SEAN, okay? Jesus fuck!
Ecksetra; (et cetera): my brother reminded me of this horror. The sadistic quality of ecksetra is that it always comes in threes, like hammer blows to the head and neck. “Ecksetra, ecksetra, eck-” SLAM! Fucker.
Decroded; (?): you guys are so cute; you made up a little word! I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t actually exist. “Decomposed” and “corroded” most certainly will name their firstborn “decroded” (obviously) but until the wedding, you fuckheads are just gonna haveta pick one. Sweet? Swell.
Dranken; (drunk; drank): you twats know very fucking well that this is not a word. So knock it the fuck off, will you? It’s not fucking funny anymore.
Liberry; (library): eat you of the magic bush in the center of my garden, and truth you’ll not speak for ever and anon. That’s why it’s called the lie berry bush! Isn’t that awesome? Come on, you’ve never seen the inside of a liberry. Seriously.
Fustrated; (frustrated): fustrated sounds like something your proctologist has medicine for. Augh, don’t look at it or you’ll hear it in your brain. It’s a maddening cycle. The more I read it printed there in front of the semicolon, the more fustrated it makes me. Augh! Fustrated? Augh! No, stop! “Whassamatter, man? You look a little fustrated.” AGH! GAH!
Framilure; (familiar): I personally expect the spelling to change in the Oxford English Dictionary any goddamn day. More people mispronounce this word than say it right-a-ways. I’ve started carrying a 9mm, though.
Oh God, I have to stop. I’m making myself queazy. I hope this has been a fine waltz through the offal of American English for you, and if ever we meet on the street, remember, I’m tense. It takes all my gusto to keep from saying these things to the people around us. Love you all! Thank you, g’night!